Is Your Anxiety Sabotaging Your Relationship? (Matthew Hussey)



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Have you ever felt insecure about something that’s happened with your partner and got yourself worked up in your mind? I have. Many times.

And when this has happened to me I know I’ve not brought up the issue in a productive way. In fact, I’ve often approached the subject in a way I later regretted.

What about you? Have you said something you wish you hadn’t? Reacted in a way you wish you could take back?

It’s a horrible feeling when we “sober up” emotionally, the cloud of angry or upset subsides, and we are left with this sinking feeling that somehow we’ve just messed it all up.

If you can relate to being the kind of person whose emotions and anxieties can be easily triggered in a relationship, this video is really going to help you.

My aim with this video is not to guarantee you never get anxious again (would you even believe me if I said that was possible?!). My aim is to ensure that even in those moments where your fears and anxieties become inflamed, you have a way of calming them, and approaching your partner in a way that brings you closer together, rather than hurting the relationship.

Let’s take back control over those emotions and put you back in the driver’s seat. And let’s learn to use our moments of friction to make our relationships even more beautiful.

P.S. Even if you feel you’ve already done the damage and this video came too late, you’re wrong! By watching this, you’ll be able to explain to your partner what happened in that moment and hit reset on that mistake, because once you have, they’ll understand you so much better.

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43 Comments. Leave new

  • I mean…..is the party situation all anxiety or is it mostly trust and insecurity issues due to past truama and being hurt from past relarionships??

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  • Thank you

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  • If it's intuition, and the clues are there, should we just dismiss what might actually be happening? Especially if you're partner lies to you.

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  • I think my mum is an anxious type and she has always driven me nuts. Really traumatizing.

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  • I actually had one of those partners (who leaned avoidant and had had a very long relationship with an AP). First time I spiraled and looked for him to regulate me, he somehow saw through it, and told me "ok stop. I don't know what's really going on right now but take a minute, think about what you really want to say to me and then we'll talk". For me it was an eye opening moment.. up to that point I had never realized I had this pattern. Getting closer to secure now. The key is to notice when spiraling will begin, and take a pause. Any reaction you feel you need to have can wait for a little while. Therapy and meditation has been key for me.

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  • Just realized I overthink 🤔

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  • imagine searching this up and trying to improve yourself for a SITUATIONSHIP not even a solid partner. im too deep in this relationship

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  • 1:58 is literally me right now what the hell

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  • I never comment on videos… I'm trying to fix my trust issues because I ruined things with an amazing girl after constantly attacking her. I can not say enough how much this helped me identify what was wrong in my head…

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  • Luckily my person is patient w me and just asks me if I want a hug🥹😭😭😭

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  • And just like that…, you've just described the relationship I had with a guy I almost married… I tried for two and a half years. I misread the whole situation, and thought he was insecure, immature and that he would grow it out. But he never did. I felt it in my heart that the relationship would have gone south very quickly if we ever got married without fixing the underlying aggression, and I left him while we were engaged. He later married and seemed to be happy. I am glad for him, because I really loved the guy. However, this was the only relationship that pushed me into having panic attacks afterwards, and kind of complicated my life in the aftermath for a while. It's very cool you are helping people with these issues, for they are very destructive. Thank you. Cheers.

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  • Try and imagine having this attachment style and dealing with an avoidant person who literally tells you you are not enough, that they do not respect you and that if you keep annoying them they are definitely going to leave you. Not fun

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  • Amazing, I feel understood and the advice is amazing. Thank you

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  • I can’t stop sabotaging my relationships and it sucks. Every time I get into a relationship I feel so overwhelmed that this person likes me and wants me and I dislike but at the same time I want them around me. I look for anything to push them away and I hate that part of myself.

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  • My favorite weapon is swallowing what i see as wrong, and letting it poision me so that they dont see me as bad

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  • is there a way to have this translated to spanish?

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  • it currently is and it sucks…. I've pushed my boyfriend so far away he needs space now, we have not broken up yet but I fear if I continue acting the way I do we will soon.

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  • Just had an experience like this just earlier today but my solution or 'weapon' for it ended up being to just blame myself which led me to have the first mental breakdown I've had in a long time, genuinely really glad how my gf was able to understand this and tried her best to calm me down… This is my first time being in an actually serious relationship so I'm kinda still learning as it continues, really gotta try my best to solve this issue before I start dragging her down with me haha

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  • I NEED HELP, ANYONE ?

    backstory ( have to know what happened)

    So was with this girl, love of my life, for 3 years, treated her amazingly, but I started to become codependent with her over time. Obsessive, jealous of her ex. For the last 8 months she wanted less and less to do with me until I saw texts between her n her ex (who were close) talking I love you to each other. We broke up, it was the most painful thing I've ever been through but I sucked it up and started my healing. A month into the breakup, she sends me a picture of her n her ex in a relationship, tore me to pieces. But I moved on n two more months went by with no communication. I was finally ok being alone, was not upset with her anymore and one day out of the blue…

    Today's story (here we are)

    She messaged me on social media telling me howuch she missed me, how much she loves me, how bad she felt doing what she did. So we link up, she still lives with her ex, n they are still officially together but she's checked out and realized I was the best thing that happened to her. Her ex was away at work (commercial fisherman) and I went over their house and we connected like we first met, amazing. It was like 4 or 5 days we hung out together and had a lot of sex (didn't miss a beat) we always had the best sex n it got better as time went on. But then her ex came home and all the sudden I'm not seeing her, not talking as much, so I'm thinking she's back with him cause he's home BUT, we just had a long talk and she's saying I need to be patient cause nothing's changed how she feels about me, she doesn't have sex with him anymore and they are just glorified roommates, said she only got with him because she needed a place to stay n he offeredzz. I know how much people in this world lie, but I don't feel she is rn. We are planning to get a place together and pretty much in her eyes are back together. It's hard for me to know she's not with me, but I kind of understand she cannot be kicked out on the street with their daughter (and yes he would do that) she admitted she fucked up getting back with him, n now realizes I am the one for her. She does text me everyday with the sweetest texts n did come see me last night, I have mixed emotions about it but I do want her back so bad, I'm her other half n she's mine.

    Guess what I'm asking is, be patient n go with the flow ? Until I can find a place big enough for her n her children, what's your thoughts on this. I was completely destroyed when she got with him, but found new life on my own, still carry that. If we don't get together I will still be ok, but I still want to persue her in my future. Because she definitely does want to be with me, and she knows she fucked up. I want this experience to make us stronger as a unit.

    Or am I pretty naive to think we can make it ?

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  • I live through this hell everyday and with every new relationship no matter the circumstances

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  • Gosh! Those examples of assumptions we make r so true…. 😢😢
    All sort of negative automatic thoughts come in the mind if they just didn't call us one day Or chose to go out with friends. 😮

    Anxious attachment style sucks! N quite difficult to manage… Needs a lot of inner work I suppose 😕

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  • Thank you for the in depth examples and ways to combat this issue.

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  • I finally realized Im just better be single, earn a living, travel and enjoy life! Focus in my family, i have nephew and nieces and All good

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  • I think it’s all linked to some forms of trauma

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  • Hearing that it is okay was so liberating ❤

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  • But one night they will cheat . I think you’re anxious for a reason at Times

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  • Today i learned i have anxious attachment. I fill on the blanks. And 100% of the time im wrong and my Gf looks at me like im a loon

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  • Story aka Narrative

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  • Excellent video!

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  • So hard after over a decade of gaslighting, when I should have trusted my own mind but didn’t. To turn that around and tell myself it’s my mind making things up (which it probably is) is unbelievably difficult and even feels dangerous.
    The physical abuse was far less damaging. Sad truth.

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  • all i know we dont sabotage our relationship as if our partner understands about us and they make sure we feel secure and being loved.

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  • Fantastic video

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  • so what can i do to stop my "wounds" turning into "weapons"?

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  • Relationships often end, not because they can't handle our wounds, it's because they can't handle our weapons. 🤯

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  • ❤🙏🏼🫶🏼

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  • There must be a part 2.I need more😢

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  • You stole the thoughts right out of my head. Thank-you, I am going through a lot tonight and it is good to learn about what's going on inside.

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  • I'm anxious and I rarely get things wrong. ❤❤ ❤

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  • Yeah, I have an anxious attachment style for not just romantic relationships but even in my day to day life, I am definitely guilty of seeing something that I do not like and my brain easily makes up a story of what I will hypothetically do, makes up a story of what this person is doing and it definitely leads to these feelings of hurt and jealousy

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  • I did this the other day, wife text me the toilet clogged and broken while i was driving. I didnt text back and by the time i got home i had already jumped to the conclusion she wasnt going to tey to fix it or call a plumber. That i have to do everything when youre the one who broke it. Turns out she was gonna call, vut i already freaked out.

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  • I know this video is a couple years old, so you may not answer. But this is something I'm currently dealing with and was wondering: if I do notice that my anxious attachment style is hurting us, can I fix it? If I can recognize that I am sabotaging unintentionally because I'm hurt, how can I undo it so we can heal and still make it?

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  • I had a secure attachment style, but an ex made me anxious 😔

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  • This is the second time I've watched this video in two days. Last night after laying in bed, cycling through every detail over and over again in my mind as I have for the last 4-5 days, this video popped in my mind and I knew I had to watch it again. I thought that I may have fear of abandonment, but all the symptoms don't exactly describe my situation, yet this video describes me almost perfectly verbatim. I'm encroaching upon ruining the love of my life because of my insecurities. I accused her of cheating without any proof, as I attacked her with my weapons she defended herself and ran away and I haven't heard from her in 3 days. Now I know I have some work to do, but I'm thankful for this video as it uncovered my problem that I need to be aware of.

    Reply

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